How to Safely Transition From Paranoia to Pronoia

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The other day I dissected the notion that evolution is the kind of healthy change that most people are working toward, particularly in the poly community. There’s this push to create better relationships among people, whether they’re poly or not. Yet the language used is problematic, for some of the …

Worry if it’s Good Enough? Evolution Says No

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There are many ways to say it: satisfied, status quo, good enough, good job, homeostasis, comfort. This and more all refers to the same phenomenon. People believe in this state of perfection, that once reached means they can rest and relax. Most people are content, or believe that they will …

Revealing the Hidden Truth Behind the Selfless Lie

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Poly folks like to think they’re more evolved. They like to think they’ve done all the hard work. They like to think they know more about relationships than monogamous people. It’s kind of like adults who’ve done dumb things then thinking all kids are Jon Snow. One of the biggest …

Why Never Getting Comfortable Is Amazing

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This is uncomfortable for me to talk about. But it’s been something that’s hung over my life since I was born. I have no experiential concept of what it means to be comfortable. From conception to this point I have fallen outside of the norm, into the margins, and have …

With a Plethora of Valuable Firsts, What Really Matters?

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My longest-term partner and I had an interesting conversation last Friday night. It revolved around firsts, more specifically around sexual and emotional firsts. It is such a big deal here in the US. The first kiss, the first time, your first love. But in polyamory does it make sense to …

The Poison Hidden Within the Heart of Non-Monogamy

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To be a queer black polyamorous female-bodied person is an offense to all that is right with the world. To be one with a high sex drive, who writes erotic stories, who sometimes goes by a man’s name is quite dangerous indeed. To be a black woman with her own …

Confessions: I Actually Lost When I Ignored My Race

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I kept telling myself it didn’t matter. I kept reminding myself that not every white person was out to get me. I told myself it was okay that people of other races didn’t want to date me. I told myself I didn’t need to worry about black people rejecting me …

What About That Lovely Compersion? It’s Not Just for Poly People

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Whenever we hear about compersion it’s in a romantic poly context. It’s a feeling of joy that one partner gets when one of their partners is happy, usually because they’ve met someone new. To romantic poly folks compersion is held up as the opposite of jealousy. It’s something to strive …

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Why We Need Better How-To Poly Books

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While people have long been polyamorous and non-monogamous in a multitude of ways, the actual comprehensive gathering and dissemination of information, resources, and guides is far from complete. People newly starting out have a few decent choices to select from. There are a few big names out there but they’ve …

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This is Why I Love the Friendzone

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Oh dear. Oh my! It’s every guy’s worst nightmare. The ultimate sign of total failure. Everything you never wanted. All that is evil and unholy in the dating world. It is the ever dreaded friendzone. It’s to be avoided like the plague. It’s been the subject of countless jokes in …

Want to Know Why Privilege Doesn’t Matter?

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This past weekend the US supposedly celebrated our independence. Yet in many ways we are still not independent of one another. There are several groups still deriding, ignoring, and trying to change one another. Poly vs swinging. Bisexual vs pansexual. Non-monogamous vs lgbt. Solo poly vs coupledom. Black vs white. …

Are Open Relationships for Adrenalin Junkies?

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For three days now, I’ve been coasting on adrenalin. My heart rate is up, my endorphins are spiking and my energy is at an all time high. Last night I barely slept. And it started when he said, I think I might have met someone. We’re in an open relationship. …

Want to Know How to Lessen Your Suffering?

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Everyone seems to have suffered at some point in their lives. Buddhism is dedicated to teaching people how to suffer less. It talks a lot about detachment yet this can lead the status quo remaining unchallenged. Yet it’s not so much that we need to detach from everything so much …

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Polyamory Doesn’t Have to Be Queer

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Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor. They could be your neighbours, friends, your postman. They might live their lives without drama, or publicity. Above all, they don’t call themselves polyamorous. And yet, they are. As an polyamory activist, I’ve found that having a word to define my unconventional relationships helped in the beginning. …

Independently Poly: Discovery Outside of Coupledom

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I know that there have been several people mentioning they’ve always been poly but most often the stories being told are the ones about a couple deciding to try poly or open up. The vast majority of the advice out there is still centered on people who are part of …

Stop Trying To Be Right About Non-Monogamy

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They’re still going round, these articles about how monogamy ain’t natural and quite frankly, I’m sick of them being used as a justification for open relationships and polyamory. Natural is one of those things that doesn’t seem to me to hold any superiority whatsoever. The human race has got where …

My Logical Love

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Unlike many poly folk, I never transitioned into being poly. I’d always liked or loved more than one person. It never made sense to me to arbitrarily limit affection, love, and time into one person. The idea of expecting one person to be everything you wanted and needed was strange …

Nothing for Granted

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Up front and honest. Heard and understood. Let’s both (all) be right. No either-or thinking. Surface vs. Substance. No expectations. Humanity (individuality) first. No defaults. In all things, my values came (and still come) first. I didn’t grow up with stability or honesty or respect. More often than not I …